My biggest fears.

 A few random thoughts that have crossed my mind recently. This is to just to get them off my chest.

My biggest fears:

1: The way he will look.

It seems silly. But google SB and tell me that the Internet doesn't portray SB to be a scary defect that turns normal babies into monsters. I often seem to forget that babies with SB act AND look like healthy babies.
Minus the scar and possible minimal leg movement. But generally they're not much different.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I had Noah at home and was scared to look at him. So I put him in a shoe box? Haha don't ask... that's something I'd never really do. But then I realized that scary looking or not, he's still my baby. So I looked at him and he looked just like every other newborn. And I was like "Noah please don't tell your father I put you in a shoe box..he'll kill me." And grabbed a diaper and a blanket and took him to the hospital for his surgery. Like it was no big deal. Then in my dream I started playing hockey and it all went kind of wacky from there....

But my point is Noah WILL have a cyst on his back where his spine didn't finish closing. WILL. It's going to be there. I need to accept it. I'll have to see it. And despite my fears of him looking scary, I know deep down that he's my Noah and I'll accept him even in his scariest times. Even my subconscious mind knows that apparently. Which is good I think.

And on a positive note.. I haven't been around very many newborns. So I'm not used to the "norm" and maybe it won't be such a big shock to me. Especially if I prepare for it mentally. Like I'm trying to. Key word: trying.

2: Bad news after bad news after bad news... etc..

No mother wants to hear bad news about their newborn baby. The difference is I know it's coming and I have to learn to accept it. His lesion MAY be higher on his back than we thought. He MAY be paralyzed as an infant. A common thing with SB newborns is that they have a hard time sucking and feeding. He MAY be in the NICU for a longer time because he'll have to be on a feeding tube. He MAY show signs of brain damage. He MAY need to be cathed as a newborn.

These are things I'm expecting to hear. My new motto is expect the worst and hope for the best. But it doesn't make it any less hard.

3: Catheters

Noah will have to use a catheter at some point in his life. I can accept that. But I'm just praying that he doesn't need one as an infant. Sometimes their bladders get backed up and they need help to drain their pee. During our hospital stay a nurse would teach us how to cath him and I'd be doing it every couple hours until he could release it on his own. It's something newborn babies with SB grow out of. But the thought of worrying about cathing him honestly scares me. Sometimes it's hard to change a wiggly baby's diaper because they're moving around and crying. Imagine instering something into his little pee-pee and not knowing if it hurts him or not. I know I could do it if I had to, but I really hope we don't have to. Changing his diaper would be a blessing.

4: People

Honestly, I'm usually someone who cares a lot what people think. But because of this whole situation I've realized that if you can't accept people for who they are then you don't deserve to be apart of their lives. I'm sure people will talk bad about Noah. I've heard people say how ugly other's people's babies are-when they weren't. And laugh about how fat the Mom got while she was pregnant. And then I've watched them turn around and comment on pictures saying, "What a beautiful baby!" and "For someone who just had a baby you look awesome!" I'm ready for that too. It doesn't bother me anymore what people have to say about me. It's not going to change anything.

But what scares me the most is people being mean to Noah. He's an innocent child and doesn't deserve to be treated like anything less than a healthy little boy. I know how cruel people can be. People make fun of other people in wheelchairs. Or who take special classes or have "weird" interests. I know I can't stick up for him forever and that scares me too. I just want to protect him from all of the bad he'll be around and know in his life. Can't he just stay a baby forever so Mommy can tell him there is no bad in the world? No? I didn't think so... but gosh I wish.

I know that none of these are things that I can control right now and I'll just have to wait and see.. a lot of this whole journey WILL be a "wait and see" process. It's just nice to talk about it and get it out into the open. Whew. Everything will be okay.