It's been ten weeks since I hit the half-way point in this pregnancy. This blog post is more of a recap for myself. So much has changed in the past ten weeks. It feels like it's flown by but at the same time it really doesn't. Week 20-23 drug on and everyday was absolutely unbearable. Once we hit week 25 we were completely sure about continuing the pregnancy. Since the diagnosis life has changed so much. We went from being devastated and heartbroken to finding joy in this pregnancy again and appreciating every moment. Now we are at week 32 and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little miracle baby boy, Noah.
Week 20
I thought that my 20 week anatomy ultrasound was going to be one of the greatest, most memorable moments of my life. A day we would never forget. From that moment on we would know if we were having a sweet baby boy or beautiful baby girl. I'm not a person who remembers certain dates very well... but it was May 22nd. It sticks in my mind because I was counting down to that day for what felt like forever. I also happened to be right. It was a day that would become one of the most memorable moments of my life. Just not in the way I had expected.
Having a healthy child seems so easy. I've worked in both a preschool and a daycare. Everyday we are surrounded by children who can walk, play, laugh, and run and nobody thinks twice about it. Very few times will you see someone with down-syndrome or in a wheelchair in public. It just isn't that common. I think it tends to slip people's minds that things like this happen because it's just not something typically seen everyday. If you are expecting a child, people assume it's going to be healthy. Most children are healthy so why wouldn't yours be?
This was my train of thought up to this point. Having always been surrounded by healthy children I never thoughts the odds of me having one too would not be in my favor. I've never been over-weight, I don't indulge in sweets, I'm active, and everyone in my family is healthy. Plus the simple fact that healthy babies are born everyday.
Mother's Intuition?
Even though I figured my child would be healthy... I think I subconsciously I knew towards the end that something was wrong. Maybe.. but maybe not. People say I worry too much. I say that people who don't worry about anything at all are idiots. But looking back I think I really just knew something was up. Up to this point I figured everything was okay..but the closer the ultrasound got the more I started to have doubts.
The day of our 20 week ultrasound I remember saying that I regretted inviting a lot of people to my appointment because I wouldn't know how to react if they found out something was wrong in front of my friends and family. I was so nervous when the ultrasound started that my face got really hot and I felt like I was going to pass out right on the table. I excused myself to the bathroom and lied and said I just really had to pee.. but in reality I sat on the bathroom floor and tried to gather myself and breathe. I sat and prayed aloud to God that everything would be routine and normal. A healthy baby. I told him I didn't care about the sex of the baby. I just wanted it to be healthy. I decided that I was just being silly and that everything was fine and went back to the room. I wasn't even really sure why I had done that? I blamed being nervous. But really I think I already knew something was wrong.
Spina Bifida
As everyone knows, Noah was diagnosed at 20 weeks with Spina Bifida. Two words that I absolutely loathe. Two simple words that can mean so much. Spina Bifida means "open spine". But in my own translation... it means "Here is a list of all of the things your child will no longer be able to do". My world was absolutely shattered. I've never been more overwhelmed in my entire life. Doing research just made things worse. I had never heard of anything like it before. I've heard of down-syndrome, autism, ADD, rhetts syndrome and other more common things. I very vaguely remember maybe hearing about it in my child development class my senior year of High School. I remembered that folic acid was important to pregnancies and helped lessen the risk of a neural tube defect. But that's all I remember. And I hadn't associated it with Spina Bifida until later.
Acceptance
This has been my biggest challenge. Accepting the fact that my son isn't and will never be completely 100% healthy is a struggle that just isn't easy. I still have trouble accepting it sometimes. It's hard to accept something that you wish you didn't have to. I wish Noah didn't have to go through this. It still doesn't seem completely fair. But over the past 10 weeks, it's gotten a lot easier. If you were born with red hair or something seemingly uncommon you'd learn to accept it because it's a part of what makes you special. Without red hair you may not feel quite like you anymore. Maybe red hair isn't the best thing to compare this to.. but you get the point.
Noah may have Spina Bifida... and this may seem like the end of the world now. But once he is born he'll still just be Noah. Even though the effects of Spina Bifida will be noticeable. I made this little boy and even though he's going to have challenges, he's still mine. He can't do anything about his problems... so it's just going to have to be something we all learn to accept as a family. And as long as we're in this together I know we can do it.
Positivity
Being positive is a lot easier said than done.. but my level of positivity at 20 weeks.. versus 30 weeks has dramatically increased. This goes along with acceptance. After hearing the diagnosis my heart was broken about all of the things he wouldn't be able to do. Like play soccer, run, jump- things like that. But with a lot of reminders from Steven, I've learned to instead focus on the things he hopefully WILL be able to do. Like give hugs and kisses, smile, laugh, play, clap, wave, blow kisses, paint, write, play video games, read a book, splash in water, feed himself, give high-fives.. there are LOTS of things he'll still be able to do. And THAT is what is important. Not focusing on what he can't do. Remembering all of the things he will do. Even though it's hard to always stay positive... it really helps.
Bonding
You know what else has come a long way in these past 10 weeks? How much I've bonded with this little guy. It's crazy how attached you can become to someone you've never even met before. I love him to death. His hiccups never fail to make me smile. He moves so much and it's just a constant reminder of how blessed and lucky we are. He proves to us every day that he is strong and stubborn. Just like the both of us.
I could cry just thinking about not having him in my tummy right now. We would have missed out on so much. All of his rolls and hiccups and punches, decorating his nursery, having the baby shower. It literally breaks my heart. I'm glad that we were dedicated to staying open-minded and considered all of our options.. but gosh.
I honestly think I would be completely miserable right now without him. Life just wouldn't be the same. He's inspired us all so much and we are so proud of everything he's overcome already. He's truly our miracle baby and I'm so glad he's still with us.
Keeping Faith
When I thought that ending my pregnancy would be the kindest thing to do for my son.. I prayed every night that God would take him from us. That God would be the one to take Noah into heaven and give him a better life free from his disability. I prayed that he would do it so we wouldn't have to. I knew I couldn't go through with hurting my son, and if it was the right thing to do I wanted it to be up to him. And God never did. I was so angry at God for letting this happen to Noah. It seemed so unfair to let us believe we were incapable of having children and then he blessed us with one that would have problems all his life. I felt like I was being punished and wanted absolutely nothing more to do with faith.
Now when I pray every night, I thank God for not listening to me. For making me decide by myself and helping me becoming a better person for never losing my faith and instead trusting God instead. God didn't take Noah into heaven and it was because he had a bigger plan for Noah. A bigger plan for us and our family.
I've never felt closer to God. And simply because he has given me an angel.
I know that on the days when I don't feel strong, I'll look at little Noah and see that he's always being strong. Noah is already much stronger than me and Steven combined. On the days when it'll be hard seeing Noah miss out on doing things other children can do, I know that Noah will still find a reason to smile. Simply because he can. He's going to experience so much at such a young age. Even as a little one cooking, he still never ceases to amaze me.
Appreciating our Blessing
Sometimes I wonder why God chose us to be Noah's parents. I'm only 19 years old and Steven is only 21. I had planned on graduating college to become a teacher. I thought teaching was my destiny. I figured that if I couldn't have children it would make me a really good teacher because I care about kids so much. Even if they aren't mine. I thought that was God's plan for me. It was my way of being positive about not being able to conceive my own child. Now there is a good chance I'll never be able to graduate college. If I do, I may never be able to hold a full-time job because of all of my responsibilities as Noah's primary care-giver.
Steven never wanted to work in a warehouse his whole life. He wanted to go to school for welding and this was just a job that was getting us by. By sticking with this job he'll eventually have really great benefits, but it just sucks knowing that this is most likely it for him. Maybe someday he'll get to switch jobs and do something different. But for right now we need him to keep moving up the ladder.
People say that having a child puts a halt to all of your big dreams and plans. But having a special needs child really does. Finding a daycare or preschool that will work with Noah's needs will be a huge challenge and I'm prepared to be the one with him all the time to care for him. I don't mind. I'd gladly give up anything for him, it just makes me wonder why us?
But then I wonder if God gave us Noah because he knew how much we'd appreciate actually being able to have a baby. And he figured that we'd be so thankful that we would appreciate Noah, disability or not. Which is very true. We had considered adopting and IVF in the future. So this was such a miracle. And I think it definitely makes us appreciate Noah even more than we would have if he was perfectly healthy.
I wonder if God saw the amount of love that Steven and I have for each other and wanted a child with disabilities to go to a family full of love and laughter like ours?
Even though I wish Noah didn't have Spina Bifida, I'm so glad he went to a family who will love him no matter what. If I've learned anything from these past 10 weeks... it's to leave it up to God. He has a plan and he chose us for a reason. Noah will have everything he needs and more, including lots of love and hugs and kisses.
The Next 10 Weeks
That is, if we make it 10 weeks. Spina Bifida C-Sections are usually scheduled at 37 weeks. Which means we could only have 5 weeks left. Oh gosh. Even though I'm not 100% sure what to expect.. I still can't wait to meet our little baby. Every day we are already one day closer to meeting him. The day that I get to hold him for the first time will be absolutely amazing. We both love him so much and cannot wait for this crazy journey of ours to really start.
No comments:
Post a Comment