Overwhelmed by Questions

I had so many questions after we were told about Noah's condition.

Was it my fault? Did I do something to cause this?

The answer is maybe, but maybe not. But for sure not on purpose. The main cause of SB is lack of Folic Acid. Many women who try to conceive begin taking prenatal vitamins as soon as they start trying. I was told I wasn't able to get pregnant, therefor I did not. I wasn't even exactly aware that a lack of folic acid would cause spine problems. Women get pregnant all the time and don't even know it until they are 3 or 4 months along and they have healthy babies. The 28th day of my baby's conception could have been a night we decided to have pizza instead of an actual meal.. and I didn't know. It's very upsetting to think that my actions could have caused this. I thought that I had done everything right to the best of my ability. But the truth is... I did. There was no way for me to know. The best thing I can do if I decide to continue this pregnancy is keep doing what I'm doing. After we found out I was pregnant we did some blood tests to make sure I wasn't lacking any nutrients.. and it came back completely normal. I think if I would have been eating unhealthy the whole time it would have shown up. There is also a chance that is is a completely RANDOM case. It happens and doctors aren't really sure why. Some women take extra folic acid before and during early pregnancy and STILL have spina bifida babies. So who knows.

What would his life be like?

All I could imagine is a little boy sitting on the side lines of a soccer game watching and dreaming of running and playing, but instead being confined to a wheelchair and will never know what it's like. People aren't very accepting of people with disabilites. Would he ever have friends? What about a girlfriend? Would he ever be Married? Have children? What kind of a life is that? Maybe he would have a special talent. Like drawing or something to do with computers. Maybe he would find a girlfriend who also has Spina Bifida and knows what he's been through. The very first thing Noah will ever know is a major spine surgery. What kind of life is that setting him up for? I'm afraid for him.

Would ending my pregnancy be the best thing for us?

By us, I mean Noah, Steven, my family and myself. Will our hearts constantly be broken because of all of the things Noah will miss out on? Without medical technology Noah wouldn't make it. Is it cruel to keep someone alive who wouldn't want that kind of life? I just want to do what is best for my son. Is ending my pregnancy the right thing? Would I be strong enough to go through with it? He would always be in our hearts and I could imagine our sweet angel running around and playing in heaven without his disability. But is it the right thing?

These questions have haunted me ever since we found out. And the saddest part is that I will never for sure know the answer to any of them. Only time will tell, and time isn't something that is on our side.