Another Life Changing Decision to Make

As everyone is probably well aware... after Noah's diagnosis we had to decide what we were going to do and had very little time to do so. Whether or not we should end the pregnancy, look into adoption, keep our sweet little guy, or even try to get the fetal surgery set up. We kept everyone's opinions in mind and our goal was to stay optimistic and explore each option to the fullest. Of coarse we ended up continuing the pregnancy and instead of the very risky fetal surgery (Which my insurance wouldn't have covered anyways) we decided to just wait for his closure surgery to happen the day after his birth. Being hit with all of these choices at once was completely overwhelming. We did days and days worth of research and within a few weeks we were forced to make a HUGE life changing decision. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to endure. We've loved Noah from day one, ever since we saw those double lines on the very first (of eight) pregnancy tests. We promised to never give up on our little guy. He was fighting to survive and doing a very good job at it. It was something I absolutely would never wish upon any parent. Especially first time, young parents like us. It wasn't only hard on us, but our families and friends as well. One day we would be set on one decision and the next day we would have completely changed our minds. Honestly, we just didn't know. We both admit that almost every single decision didn't quite feel right 100% of the time. It was hard to stick to one decision so soon and make a real commitment to it. We even officially decided at the last minute possible. I guess it was meant to work that way because we have never once regretted it since. My biggest fear was making a choice I wasn't completely dead set on and regretting it. A decision like that isn't to be taken lightly. It's a very painful, heart-wrenching process... but now that we are nearing the end of this pregnancy and anxiously awaiting the arrival of our son, looking back it's all been completely worth it.

So now.. my point of this blog post is that you would think only having one month left things would be pretty easy and set in stone by now, however there is one last final life changing decision that had to be made.

Let me explain a little first. Noah's back closure surgery will happen one day after his birth via c-section. Our Neurosurgeon wants to make sure he is stable and not stressed after his birth before he goes into surgery. Which is completely understandable. I was upset at first because the longer he goes without his closure surgery the higher the risk of his lesion getting infected and damaging more nerves. Usually the surgery is done the same day as the c-section. He's the best pediatric neuro in town though and we are trusting that he knows best. Anyway, Noah's original c-section date was October 2nd. With his due date being October 5th, I was very surprised they didn't want to take him sooner due to the risk of me going into labor before then. But the longer he cooks the better, so once again we were just trusting our High Risk Specialist and hoping she knew best as well.

THEN... we find out that Dr. Sami (neurosurgeon) had planned a vacation from October 5th-15th. Great. So instead of that day.. Noah's birthday was moved up to September 25th. Which would make him 38 weeks gestation and exactly a full term baby. That was fine with us. The bigger I get the more uncomfortable I am and ready for him to be here. We then received a call from Dr. Griener (high risk specialist) saying that since he'll barely be full term and we have a limited amount of time with Dr. Sami (Which is important incase he needs a shunt placed after a few weeks) she wanted to schedule an amniocentesis to make sure his lungs were fully developed.

Maybe it's just me... but an amniocentesis isn't exactly something desirable to me. For those of you who might be unfamiliar with the term.. It's a procedure where they have a HUGE needle and insert it into your stomach (away from baby hopefully) and draw up amniotic fluid. The process is known to be extremely painful. Some doctors offer a local anesthetic.. but lucky me. Mine does not. I'll feel the needle going through my skin which will cause a contraction as it enters my uterus. She's also drawing up more fluid than usual because if his lungs are shown as not being mature she'll need to send off extra fluid to another place to test and see how much longer it will be until his lungs ARE mature enough for birth.

Here is my two-cents on the subject. If Noah's lungs are not mature.. we would be having someone else do the back closure because Dr. Sami will be out of town on vacation. Which I never agreed with. Did I mention Dr. Sami is the best pediatric neuro in town?! She said if Noah's lungs are not mature we COULD still have the c-section and just hope Noah won't need very much extra oxygen and it would delay his surgery for a while until he is completely stable. Either way, if his lungs are not mature.. we're (for lack of better words) screwed.

Then Dr. Griener continued to go on and on about how my hands will have to be held down and I would NOT be able to move at all during the procedure. She mentioned that she's had women try to pull the needle out of their stomach, move away from the needle, cry, scream, etc.

Thirty-eight weeks is completely full term. His chances of having under-developed lungs is 5%.

She's even going to give me two steroid shots to help him along. Making his chances 2%.

My other option was to opt out on the amnio and Dr. Sami completely and go to the St. Louis Spina Bifida Hospital and have them perform my c-section, his back closure and shunt surgery.

If I were to chose this option, it would mean that Steven wouldn't be able to see Noah. Steven planned on taking two days off (c-section day and surgery day) and seeing Noah before and after work everyday. It also means that none of my family would be able to see Noah either. Everyone has to work, and has other prior commitments. Being a first time mother all alone in a strange hospital I'm not familiar with doesn't seem appealing to me at all. But... I'd get to carry Noah longer and skip the amnio and shots completely.

The decision was completely up to me. Do what's best and easiest for me.. or do what is right for my Son and family. 

And to make matters even harder... I was only given one day to decide. Even though the thought of a giant needle in my stomach goes completely against my natural instincts as a mother and scares the living daylight out of me.. I figured that Noah will go through so many surgeries and procedures that if given the chance, he wouldn't want to. The day of our C-Section will be the very first surgery I've ever gone through. The thought of the procedure scares me too, but it'll be something Noah and I will have in common. We'll go through it together. My first surgery and his first the following day. We'll be recovering at the same time. Noah being strong and knowing all of the scary surgeries he'll overcome during his life gives me the strength to go through with the amniocentesis. I need to do what's right and best for everyone and put myself and my feeling and worries aside. I've never loved or cared for anyone more in my entire life. Noah has become my world already and I'm ready to prove that I'd do absolutely anything for him. Push my own limits, and sacrifice whatever it takes for him.

I have never regretted thinking about ending my pregnancy. I never will. It was an over-whelming time and learning all of the things Noah won't be able to do at once is scary and ending the pregnancy seemed like the easiest and kindest thing we could do for him. Being a loving mother, I'd rather embrace the fact I cared about him so much to think every option through. This pregnancy has been a crazy, whirlwind of a journey. And I thank God every single night for standing by me and giving me the strength to give Noah a chance no matter how scary it may be. But honestly, I don't think God was the one who gave me strength. It was Noah. My sweet little angel sent directly from heaven itself. Every appointment we had where we heard his little heart chugging along. He never gave up. All he knows is how to be strong and survive. Every kick we've seen on ultrasound, every limit he tries to push himself to already. Words cannot even express how proud I am to call him my son already. Meeting him will absolutely without a doubt be the best day of my life. I've never been more inspired by anyone before. And I've never even met him.

And now to end this with a quote that has gotten me through a lot...

"No one else will ever know the strength of my LOVE for you... 

afterall you are the only person who know what my heart sounds like from the inside."