God is in control.

This pregnancy has brought me a lot closer to God. I know in my heart that I didn't do anything purposely to cause Noah to have this disability. I never drank, smoked, dyed my hair, anything remotely bad in the slightest. I couldn't even bring myself to eat harmless fish because of my fear of hurting him. And that was WAY before we found out about his diagnosis. My main focus has always been his health. 

I know deep down that I NEEDED God.
I NEEDED a reason as to why this was happening.

I pray for strength every night. I don't know or understand why this happened to us or Noah. The only thing getting me through this is believing that someone out there MEANT for this to happen.


God has blessed us with a very special, wonderful little boy and he has enough faith in us to believe that we can handle it. That alone has gotten me through some rough times and appointments. Some days I don't feel like a strong enough woman. I break down and let things to get to me. I'm not perfect in the slightest. I had a hard time accepting that my son would never lead a "normal" life. I was angry and scared. Some days I still find myself wondering, why us? Then I catch myself and remind myself that God has a bigger and more special plan for us than we ever had for ourselves. Instead of being sad and feeling bad for Noah, I need to be proud and thankful. Noah is going to show us a whole new meaning to life.

Now that we are literally entering the final stretch of this pregnancy, I need God more than ever. I pray for not only strength, but patience, and courage. I pray that the worst is over. A lot of SB moms that I've talked to all agree that pregnancy is the hardest part. The scariest thing is the "unknown". Not knowing what your baby will be capable of or what he or she will be like at all. Holding your baby will make it all worth it. I've heard that about a million times, and I'm SO ready. My sweet miracle, angel baby. I know seeing his face will make everything okay. No matter what happens next. God is in control and we are all just along for the ride. This pregnancy has been nothing short of a crazy unpredictable journey and it's something I never expected to experience in my life. Not just a high risk, special needs baby pregnancy... just pregnancy in general. Steven and I say it all the time, Noah is our blessing. God gave him to us because he knew we'd appreciate the fact we COULD conceive on our own despite what doctors had told us.

Is it crazy to say that I feel like God really has something special planned for us? This wasn't the road I expected to be on at all... but I honestly can't wait to see what's next.