Tomorrow is the big day!

Haven't updated in a while... so here we are now. It's 10:34pm and we go in at 5:00am tomorrow to start the procedures. Gosh. I can't even get over how absurd this feels. Being a first time Mom I'm not even completely convinced that there is a real baby in my tummy. Seems like just a little piece of me that moves around every now and then.

All I've done today is think about how different life is going to be now. Which is a thought most women have when they first find out their pregnant of coarse... but it's just now really starting to hit me. I created a whole new little human. This little guy has completely consumed my thoughts and life thus far and it's only about to continue and get worse. Which I'm completely okay with.

I really wanted to make it a point to write a post the night before Noah's birth just so I could always remember exactly how I felt and be able to look back on it. But I'm speechless. No amount of words can really fully describe my emotions right now. I guess because there are too many. I don't even know where to begin. Mainly, I feel like I have no idea what to expect. I have spent countless nights researching spina bifida and the procedures and surgeries... but no amount of research can really make you feel 100% prepared.

I guess the same goes for being a new Mother. I've read the baby books and know as much as they can tell me. But I'm still going to be scared to hold him at first. Not just because of all of his medical problems. I just don't want to hurt the little guy. I'm going to be clueless when it comes to breast-feeding. I know the ins and outs, but to be honest. I'm going to be nervous and probably mess up a few times. Nothing in the world can really prepare you for this. No amount of advice or research. Ever. I pray that my motherly instincts will kick in and most of it will come natural.

Noah is rolling and stretching and moving a lot lately. Right now even. I think he can sense that something is up. It makes my heart feel amazing when he moves inside me. I never want to forget this feeling. The emotional bond between a baby while in the womb and a mother is the most amazing bond I've experienced in my life. Thus far, of coarse. I'm sure holding him and seeing him will easily take the cake. I think about how I'm going to miss being pregnant all the time. As soon as I have Noah he'll be rushed away to the NICU and I just know I'm going to feel so alone. He's been a part of me for 9 whole months now. And as soon as he's born I'll be without him for a while. At least I'm going to get a good rest of my lifetime with him, but still.

This may seem silly, but I feel like as long as he has all of his body parts. Two eyes, ears, a nose, tongue, boy parts. All of the essentials and then some. I'll be so proud and think he's so wonderful and beautiful that I won't even care if his legs move. If Noah is healthy in every other way possible I honestly think it won't matter to me as much. I love him just the way he is already. I just pray that we receive the best possible outcome of this horrible defect. I pray for no complications, a quick recovery and for Noah to be in Mommy's arms as soon as possible.

Steven is off of work and on his way home. Time for a bubble bath. And some cuddle/relaxing/nap time before we head in and get this journey started. I don't know what will happen... but I have a good feeling that tomorrow will be the most amazing day of our entire lives. And I'm ready.