Our Decision

Deciding whether or not to keep a disabled child is the hardest decision any parent will ever have to make. Just for the record, I'd like to make this VERY clear... If Noah was a healthy baby with a perfect spine I would NEVER consider an abortion. I'm Pro-Choice but it's never once been an option for myself. Until now. We only wanted to do what was best for our son. I knew that we would have support with either decision, but I just couldn't bare to see my poor baby suffer his whole life. I also couldn't bear with the thought of losing him. He already has a name and so much personality. He gave us a thumbs up on the last ultrasound and was already too ornery to cooperate for his first ultrasound. These are stories we will never forget. He's been apart of our family for 5 months, I could never imagine going into a clinic and ALLOWING some stranger to kill my baby. I'm his Mother and I'm supposed to protect him from all of the cruel things in the world. Someone taking his life being one of them. This may be my first baby but I still have mother instincts and the thought of abortion went against everything that felt right to me.

I'd be lying if I said that the influence of others didn't affect me. Some people in my life supported ending my pregnancy, and others didn't. It hurt me to know that people thought my child would be better off dead. I wanted to scream at them, "I feel him moving all the time. Every single day. He's Steven's little mini-me. He's not disposable. His name is Noah and he deserves a chance just like anyone else's child does." But part of me agreed with them. He's just a fetus, he doesn't know pain. He's never experienced life, who's to say he's going to miss out on anything?

My doctor prescribed me anti-anxiety medication and told me to think things over. The Internet makes Spina Bifida seem like such a scary thing, but I quickly discovered blogs of women who have experienced the same thing we're going through. Some of them aborted their babies and ended up regretting it, and others kept them and have accepted all of the challenges they have been faced with and their children are worth it. I knew we could take care of him, I just wanted to know he'd be happy.

Women's Clinic in Dallas, TX

After many sleepless nights Steven and I finally decided that ending the pregnancy would be the best thing. We made an appointment at a Women's Clinic in Dallas. They would give me special treatment because I would be aborting because of a medical issue instead of just because. Late term abortions are very complicated. The process would last 4 days total and would involve an injection to stop my baby's heart beat and several metal rods being inserted into my cervix to dilate me. They would use forceps and pull him out one piece at a time. As a mother this concept is VERY hard to wrap my mind around. It completely broke my heart. But it seemed like the kindest thing to do for my son. We were going to drive up to Dallas on a Tuesday night, get there Wednesday and the surgical procedure would happen that Saturday. The procedure would hurt and the dilators would hurt as well. It isn't a dangerous procedure and would be over before I knew it, they said. I could tell this decision was hard for Steven but since I was the one carrying the baby and would be caring for him majority of the time Steven supported my choice.

Tuesday rolled around and I woke up crying. Noah was safe in my tummy. Where nobody could harm him. I just wanted to run away and never come back and keep Noah in my tummy where I knew he'd be okay. I had already collected some things for Noah's nursery and sat and held onto them crying.

I've never been more mad at God. Why was he doing this to us? I know that we have both sinned, but if God forgives then why is he punishing us with this choice? Why us? Why MY baby?

Steven packed for me and for the first time in weeks I managed to get dressed for the long devastating car ride ahead. Steven drove me to my Mother's house. She was going to take me to Dallas and Steven would come down Friday after work. I've never been more of a mess in my life. This felt wrong. I couldn't even get out of the truck to go into my Mom's house. This was my LAST chance to change my mind. I cried and Steven did too. I've never been so mad at life. We finally pulled ourselves together and went in.

My Mom seemed distressed, my sister even did too. And it's not always easy to tell what my sister is feeling. It just felt WRONG. This wasn't supposed to be happening. We were all so unhappy. All of Noah's movements and kicks that I had enjoyed so much just a few weeks ago were torturing me. Knowing what was ahead for him was just plain awful.

Our Last Minute Decision

We decided to keep Noah.

I couldn't go through with it. And much to my relief instead of everyone being upset with my indecisiveness, everyone started crying and hugging and laughing and smiling again. This was the right decision. It isn't going to be easy, but Steven and I promised to do whatever it takes to make Noah's life worth it. I couldn't be any happier. We are strong, and we can do this. He was our blessing anyways, now he's our blessing and our special little boy. I have no doubt that he will find much joy in his life and make us all appreciate every milestone he conquers. I love him so much. Steven does too. Everything will be okay.