Noah's Diagnosis

Steven and I woke up much earlier than necessary. We felt and acted like zombies. Barely even speaking. I didn't want to go. I wanted to pretend that everything was okay, and Noah was healthy. Knowing that it wasn't an option we got ready and left. We arrived before any of the doctors or any other patients arrived. We were the only ones there. We sat on the curb and prayed together one last time. The wind was crisp and I remember just closing my eyes and wishing this wasn't all happening. I didn't understand what could have gone wrong. I wasn't mentally prepared for the news we were about to hear. I knew this was also going to be a day that would change our life forever.

I held onto my stomach and cried one last time before going in. I wanted to protect Noah from everything we would find out. I was so sad for my little boy. All we ever asked was for him to be healthy. I've never once taken this pregnancy for granted. I appreciated every single moment. Every milestone. I did everything I was supposed to for this baby. Went on walks, ate healthy, took my vitamins and tried to stay anxiety free. I hadn't gained an excess amount of weight, I wasn't lazy. I tried so hard to give this baby the best possible chance at being healthy.

My faith in God was trembling... but it was all that Steven and I had. Praying that he would hear our cries and answer our prayers was the only hope we had.

Noah was diagnosed with Spina Bifida.

The high risk specialist came into our room where I was already crying and panicing even before hearing the news. She calmed me down and nicely told us that Noah has Spina Bifida. Here are some of the facts we found out:

• Noah may not ever be able to walk independently.
• SB literally means "open spine"
• It happens during the first 28 days of conception.
• The spinal cord doesn't close with the spine. Like an unzipped zipper.
• He has the most severe type of SB called mylomengocele.
• Mylomengocele is when there is a bubble on his back filled with fluid.
• He also has Hydrocephalus. Which means fluid on the brain.
• It's a very common symptom of SB and he will require shunt surgery in his head after he is born.
• The shunt will drain the fluid in his brain down to his stomach like a normal spinal cord would.
• My pregnancy is now considered "high risk" and will require a lot of extra attention.
• Noah would have surgery to fix the incision on his back immediatly after birth and would be born via C-Section.
• He will not be able to ever control his bladder or bowel and will require a catheter maybe even as a baby.
• He CAN live, but he will have complications and surgeries throughout his entire life.
• This defect rarely ever leads to retardation, he may live a normal life.
• THERE IS NO WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE WHAT HE'LL BE CAPABLE OF. They can't give us any FOR SURE answers, it would all be a big wait and see game.
• Ending my pregnancy is an option and if I chose to do so we would have to act on it fast because I'm already so far along.

Talk about over-whelming and heartbreaking. We were devastated and decided the kindest thing we could do for our son would be to end my pregnancy.