I found the most wonderful website.

It's called babycenter.com. They have so many pregnancy support groups.

 I posted our situation and these are the responses I recieved.

It's nice to hear from other SB mothers some kind, reassuring news.

I'm so thankful to hear this news, gives me so much hope.

Click the images to make them larger.

Baby Shower Update

I've just been reminded (thankfully) that I never updated friends and family on whether or not there would still be a baby shower for Noah.. And the answer is yes! When we were planning the first baby shower we recieved Noah's diagnosis and everything went downhill from there.

I'm not sure when or where it will be held- but right now it sounds like in August. Noah could come as early at September 15th according to Doctors. We're registered at Target and Babies-R-Us under Genevieve Glessner.

I'll be purchasing his Crib, Dresser, Changing Table and Glider once we get all moved into our new house. His bedding is already in the mail and on it's way.

His nursery theme is puppies, but we also love dinosaurs, safari, cowboys etc. Feel free to venture away from his theme! Puppies can be hard to find, and with his theme and decor as puppies, it might be overwhelming! Blues and other bright colors are my favorite for him- clothing wise!

So here are a few things we'll be needing, to keep in mind:

Clothing:

• Beanies

Noah will be having shunt surgery I'm assuming sometime after birth and because he's already working on his full head of hair.. when they shave his head for the incision it will be very noticable. Bu since he's a Fall baby I plan on him wearing quite a few beanies until his hair grows back.. and I checked with the doctors- they're perfectly safe :)

• A few Tee- Shirts/Onesies/Sweatpants/Jackets

While he's in the NICU and once we bring him home his scar on his back will need to be cleaned and re-bandaged every day. Onesies would be okay, but little bitty tee-shirts would make this much easier. I know they can be harder to find, but a little tee-shirt and sweat outfit would make life with him at home right after surgery much much easier.

• Newborn Pictures Outfit

I'm not going to go all crazy buying clothes for Noah, I've already accumulated quite a few different pieces... so pick out your favorite little boy outfit and maybe we'll use it in his hospital newborn pictures :)

• Whatever you think is cute

I love little boy outfits, and Noah will love anything anyone picks out!

Larger Items:

• Baby Bath-Tub

The one I'm registered for is only $15 because it's only for a newborn. But if anyone would like to be kind enough to purchase Noah a newborn/baby/toddler baby bath-tub that would be awesome! One less thing for us to worry about purchasing in the future.

• Stroller/Carseat Combo

I've never purchased an item this large for a baby shower before...so I don't expect anyone to buy this. But if you'd like to help us out with our bigger purchases we'd gladly accept gift cards! :)

• Diaper Genie

I may be wrong.. but I'm pretty sure these run around $20-$25. I might end up purchasing this myself.

• Closet Organizers

If anyone has read my past blog posts about how SMALL our new closets will be, you'll know that we definitely need closet organizers. They make them for babies and I purchased one for a friend for her shower and they are super handy!

• Baby Bassinet/Swing

Again this is one of the largest items we'll need, so I don't expect anyone but maybe but close friends and family to maybe want to purchase this one.

Medium/Smaller Items:

• Bibs, Binkies, Bottles, Toys, etc.
• Blankets

If anyone would like to I've seen many NICU babies with Prayer Blankets that church groups or family and friends made together. That would be an awesome shower gift!

• Diapers/Wipes/Lotions/Baby Body Wash

We have purchased enough newborn diapers, so please no more! I've heard how fast they go through newborn ones, and he may be too big to fit in them anyways. Anything larger than that would be perfect though!

I'll probably add more to the list later once I think of more. Pretty much he's going to be just like any other sweet baby as far as purchases go! :) We would just all be happy with having all of our good friends and family there to celebrate Noah arriving soon!

Goodbye Week 25, Hello Week 26!

My favorite quote today:

"Most importantly, your child will be much more “normal” than you can probably imagine at this point. He or she will be a cute, cuddly baby who needs to be held, fed, diapered, burped, and loved just like any other baby. They do not look any different than other babies, and just like other kids they develop their own wonderful personalities. Kids with Spina Bifida have extra challenges, but they have much more in common with their peers than they have differences. Spina Bifida does not define them."

"Mommy stop being silly!"

I swear every single time I get down about Noah's diagnosis he kicks and hits and rolls and is trying to say,

"Mom, I'm going to be okay!

Let me prove you and everyone else wrong."

 

 

Steven has gotten into the habit of calling me "Silly woman" and I have no doubt Noah will be saying "Silly Mommy" just as often. :)

I know babies sometimes do funny things during ultrasounds and the technicians just happen to catch it and snap a pic.. but I really do believe Noah meant to do this on the day we found out about his diagnosis.

(Ok, In reality I'm sure Noah was just getting ready to suck his thumb.. but I can dream, right?)

Noah gave us a big thumbs up and even though we hadn't recieved any news yet, bad or good. I still clearly remember saying, "Look Honey, he's letting us know that everything is okay!" Everything may not be okay right now, but that doesn't mean it won't all turn out okay. Noah was trying to show us that. I bet he knows Mommy worries about him and wanted me to have a good reminder on hand when I get down sometimes.

He obviously has his father's awesome postive outlook on life! I strive every single day to be more like Steven. No matter what news we've heard he always stays positive and happy. If Noah is the same way, I'll be taking notes from them for ever. I know I'm quite the worry wart... but on a positive note, at least it shows I care. And gosh, I care a lot.

Thank goodness Steven and Noah can make everything okay. My angels :)

Prayer Requests.

As always, prayers are very appreciated. I've had a few people now ask for more specific prayer requests...so here are a few of the specific things I pray for. Thank you all so much who have sent so many great prayers our way.

Please pray...

• That Noah's lesion is really only between two vertabra.

Preferably L-4/L-5. That would be such a miracle.

• That he will have at least some feeling in his legs.

We're accepting that he will be wheelchair bound, but some feeling would be a blessing for him.

• That he will exceed our doctor's expectations his whole life.

Last ultrasound Noah put his legs above his tummy and tucked them  under his bottom, which is a suprising and wonderful thing. He may have some control right now. If he were to continue to suprise us, oh goodness.. I'd be so happy. We pray he will be tough and always try to prove doctors wrong.

• That God will give us strength to get through all of the hard times.

Being strong isn't always easy, I always pray that God will continue to give me the strength that I need to overcome all of the bad hurdles. I know we can be strong for Noah. But right now, it's not always easy to be strong for ourselves. We will never give up trying though.

• That Noah will be a happy healthy wonderful little boy despite all of his challenges he will face.

I always pray that no matter what Noah will have a happy, fun, wonderful life. We plan on taking him to the beach, to Disney World, to parks and zoos. He will no doubt experience all of the wonderful things other children get to experience. He'll attend kindergarten and we'll ALWAYS appreciate every single milestone in his life. He will have a happy positive supportive loving family, and anything he could ever dream of wanting. Friends, toys, books, video games, you name it and we're going to make SURE he has everything needed to help ensure that his life will be equal to, or better even though his has Spina Bifida. Please pray that no matter what Noah will find happiness in life. That's one of my biggest concerns, and I hope God will bless him with a sweet appreciative disposition where he is happy all of the time and loves life to the fullest.

Horrible Realisation.

A few days ago I was thinking about Noah and reading some blogs and came to a realisation...

Everyone else's diagnosis for themselves or their child is only between two or three vertabra. For example Lumbar region (L) 2nd Vertabra-3rd Vertabra. Making it L2-L3. Or Thoracic region, T-12/L2.

So why was Noah's T-12 all the way through L5? That's 6 vertabra instead of two or three. I've never even heard of anything like it.

I assumed that it was because that was where his "bubble" was covering and they couldn't tell if the lesion was in the middle or top of the bubble. And maybe it was so large because he is so small.. and overtime it would show that it was just between two or three. But because of the lack of information I had found online, I decided to call my doctor and maybe she could explain and give me some peace of mind about it.

She informed me that this WAS how big his lesion was. It may not be affecting all of his spina cord, but for right now that is his official diagnosis.

I know that there is nothing I can do to change this now. I know that Spina Bifida is a rollar coaster and sometimes you hear good news and sometimes you hear bad news. I'm fully aware of that, but to be honest.. this just stinks. I don't even feel like my pregnancy compares to other SB mom's now. Reading other blogs was the only thing I thought could prepare me for all that Noah might have to face, but honestly... I have absolutely no idea what to expect now. This means his chances of walking are pretty much shot. Poor sweet Noah :(

I feel like a fool for not realizing that this was what it meant, I guess I just wanted to think and hope for the best. I know that nothing is for sure until he is born and I have found a few cases where the doctors were wrong about the size of the lesion or placement. And the babies proved eveyone wrong. And are doing VERY well and are smart and beautiful and happy. Dear God please let that be the case for Noah.

All that we can do now is try to stay strong and positive and pray.

I'm going to screen shot the examples that I found, they seem to give me hope and make this a lot easier. I  JUST want what is best for my sweet baby. I know we can't give up hope, we need a miracle.

Feel free to click on the picture to make it larger.

This story inspires me so much. Wonderful parents and a beautiful little girl. It just goes to show you can NEVER really give up hope.

New House, New Car, Time to get ready for Baby!

The one thing I've never really had throughout this pregnancy is patience. I've been stalking craigslist and rental websites for the past 3 months looking for a house and bigger car with absolutely NO luck.. until recently.

House:

I really wanted to stay close to my Mom and sister for the first year of Noah's life. And I decided we were NOT living on the North Side of town, I never have and it's just so far away from everything. About 2 months ago there was a house for rent down her street in our price range and it was HORRIBLE. There was no way that would have worked for us.

So.. we continued looking and my Mom tells me that there is another house in our price range down her street. I was like, "Yeah... it's probably just like the other one..." But when we drove by it was actually pretty nice. It's not exactly what I had in mind but we set up an appointment to go see it anyways.
The house has 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom. It's an older house, with older looking hardwood floors and textured tan walls. The front door leads into a cute little entry-way hallway and the living room is pretty big and leads outside to a fenced back-yard. The bedrooms are all decently sized, the closets are horribly small though. But I'm sure we'll manage with dressers. The house has a charming older feel to it, and I really like it. I wanted something cute and cozy and close to my Mom's.. so here it is! The house we will be bringing Noah home in. We get to move in next week! I told everyone I wasn't going to get excited about it working out and worry... and things actually worked in our favor.

Car:

Actually, excuse me.. Van. Yeah. Mini-van. It seems silly having a mini-van with only one baby on the way... but my Mom's friend from work was looking to sell or trade it and it just so happens that they want to trade our Ford Ranger for it straight across.

I was planning on using the Ranger with the baby and just turning the side airbag off and setting him right beside me. But now that we know Noah will be having special needs, I decided I'd feel much better about having more space for him. I plan on having a lot of kids someday and I DID say I wanted bigger! The trade isn't exactly fair, I'm getting the better deal so I felt like I really couldn't turn down this awesome oppertunity.

I was kind of worried it looks less like a decent family van and more like a trashy van... but the inside has been kept really nice. If I had it my way it wouldn't be white. I'm so tired of white cars... but since I'm learning patience and accepting things instead of being so picky, I said yes. And we seal the deal within the next week!

Next:

Time to get ready for Noah! I hit the nesting stage at 5 months and so far I've only accumulated about 15 pieces of outfits. Once we get all moved in next Sunday it's going to be the perfect time to focus on Noah and I cannot wait! So excited :)


Life is finally falling into place for us, and all we had to do was let fate take it's course and lesson learned! We are so thankful :)

Ah. This is why I LOVE reading blogs!

I logged on today to read blog updates of the women I follow who are mothers to children with SB and gosh... they just give me so much hope. These women are so strong and they are definitely some of my biggest inspirations as a mother. This was my favorite thing I've read today so I just had to quote it. It gives me so much hope and faith. :)

"It's June, which means it's Spina Bifida Awareness month. I have been trying and trying to come up with some kind of post to address it, but I'm blanking. It's taken me three weeks to realize that we're just not in a SB state of mind lately. I guess that in itself is indicative of something that people should be aware of: SB often takes a back seat. We've been busy doing the usual June things."

http://thelittlekingsley.blogspot.com/2012/06/its-june-which-means-its-spina-bifida.html

"Needless to say we left that appointment in a state of shock, and overwhelming grief took hold of us for awhile. We went back and forth between feeling angry, scared, devastated. We needed the time to mourn for our sons losses, the challenges that would lay before him and wondered if we would find the strength to become the special parents that this child deserved. Selfishly, I was really angry with God. How could He do this to our child, to us after everything we'd already went through to even have a family. I felt like we were being punished for something and I had no idea for what. I have a strong faith so with this anger, I then felt terribly guilt for questioning why God had done this. It was a terrible roller coaster ride of emotions I couldn't get away from. The rest of the pregnancy I would alternate between feeling incredibly blessed by the lives growing inside of me with absolute fear for what the future held. I've since learned this is all very normal."

http://www.ourdoubleblessings.blogspot.com/p/our-story.html

GOOD NEWS! 24 Week Ultrasound Update.

Ahhhhhh! God is so good. We actually had an amazing appointment. I'll admit I shed some tears on the way in... but we were so surprised with the outcome. Most of this is just typical news for a healthy normal pregnancy... but for us this is pretty awesome. We heard a few bad things too- but overall I'm very happy. Here is what we found out.

Bad News First:

• Yes...Inevitably there was some bad news... but I already expected it and we'll just take it as it comes. His "bubble" starts in the very lowest Thoracic region and continues into Lumbar. Thoracic= Wheelchair. Lumbar=Walker. It may not mean that his opening is in the thoracic (which is what really matters) but the doctors always assume it's in the highest part of the bubble. We wont know for sure until he is born. So we'll just have to wait and see.

Now for the Good News:

• It's common for SB babies to have fluid on their brain and we knew that Noah had some extra fluid. But today we found out that his left side of his brain is within normal fluid range, the right side however is not. His ventricles are enlarged, which is to be expected. BUT the fluid is measuring the exact same as it did last month. Which is awesome! It means that his spinal fluid is going somewhere like it's supposed to and it's not gathering all on his brain. His head circumference is perfectly normal (Some SB babies that have fluid on the brain have somewhat distorted "lemon shaped" head shapes... But not Noah though!) It's definitely one less thing to worry about.
• They also measured the fluid in the cyst on his spine.. also hasn't changed. As he grows the fluid and little bubble with grow with him but it won't always attain more fluid if it doesn't need to. It's about a centimeter larger because he grew... but no more fluid than last month. Which is very good to hear.
• NO CLUBBED FEET! There is still a chance it could happen but the Ultrasound Tech said that there would be signs of it happening already if it was going to. Clubbed feet is very very common with SB babies and can be fixed with casts... but if it's one less thing to worry about then we'll take it!
• I heard of one case where the SB baby had a random tumor on his face... so I had the tech check to make sure his face looked normal and it's perfect. Random tumors are not commonly associated with SB... but I was a little paranoid so she checked anyways and we ended up with some adorable face shots of our little guy.
• Noah is within the 45 percentile as far as weight and length go. 50 is perfect, so 45 is a blessing! 20 and above is what people aim for and don't worry about. If he were to gain more weight than he was supposed to it would put a lot of pressure on his spine and thankfully he's right on track!
• This doesn't mean much as far as what he'll be capable of outside of the womb but he definitely moved his legs. He lifted them above his tummy AND put them under his bottom. Which is NOT involuntary. Involuntary movements would include light twitching. Noah definitely meant to and I'm so glad he decided to show off today. Some SB babies are paralyzed while in the womb and it's pretty normal. They're parts aren't connected just right and there is really no way to know for sure what he will be able to do until they are officially connected. But it's good news for now and I'm so happy to know that the movement I'm feeling CAN be leg movements and kicking.
• His kidneys look awesome. Which means he has a chance of not needing to be cathed as a newborn.
• His heart is strong and has no dark spots or possible murmurs.
• He's drinking the amniotic fluid and peeing it! Sounds like TMI, but it's a really good thing. I'm thrilled. It was so precious seeing his little mouth open and know he was doing the right thing for his little body.
• Noah is starting to practice breathing. All normal babies are supposed to.. but every single milestone is so precious to us now so I figured this counted too ;)
• He's SO active and wiggly. I've never seen him that active for an ultrasound before. I would have never guessed there was anything wrong with him.
• HE IS PERFECT. Inside and out. He has so much personality and character already. Such a happy sweet little boy and he hasn't even been born yet. I'm so thrilled he's doing so well. He is so precious to us and today was just wonderful.

What's been going on with me:

• I've had what I thought were two contractions now. And come to find out.. I was right. My doctor said I've now entered the wonderful phase of Braxton Hicks Contractions. And it is exciting to me! Isn't that strange? Even though I will be having Noah via C-Section I always wanted to have him completely natural with no epidural. The contractions will strengthen my uterine wall and make recovery from my C-Section easier. They just feel like really tight sharp pains. So far I've handled them pretty well. The first one freaked me out because I had no idea what was happening.. but the second one wasn't too bad. It's exciting to think that having Noah is just around the corner (even if it will be C-Section)
• I had some bleeding a few weeks ago... everything came back officially normal. Some bleeding while pregnancy is to be expected.. and even though I felt overly paranoid our doctor gave us props for getting it checked out and being concerned. So I felt much better about it.
• Okay TMI time... Last week I was laying in bed and definitely lactated. How crazy is that? At 23 weeks my body is already trying to produce milk. It breaks my heart that I might not be able to breast feed Noah because of his long hospital stay in the NICU but that doesn't mean my body isn't going to try apparently! Haha! The fact that it happened had me a little weary.. but it's just caused by a large amount of hormones and the doctor said that was fine. Hasn't happened since thank goodness... but I'm glad to have some peace of mind about it.
• I haven't gained too much weight. Since I'm short I was worried I'd gain it everywhere but I've worked really hard to eat healthy and exercise as much as possible and it looks like it's paid off! Noah is 1.9 pounds which is perfect and I've gained the right amount in a month.

What's going on with Steven:

• He is gushing about how much Noah looks like him. It's adorable and I feel so proud knowing that I did a pretty good job making him cute so far...with some of Steven's help of coarse. ;)
• He probably thinks I'm going crazy. I had a little freak out about the appointment and forgot to take my anxiety medicine like I was going to and he handled it like a champ. Thank goodness for his easy-going laid back personality to calm me down.
• He smiled from ear to ear when we heard his heartbeat and saw him wiggling around.
• He also held the ultrasound pictures the whole entire time after we got them.. such a proud Daddy and I couldn't be happier.

Overall today was a good day! Mommy and Daddy are still in "awe" of how sweet our little Noah is. Here are some of the ultrasound pictures we recieved. Now it's time to eat some food and cuddle up for a nap :)

Anxious. Anxious. Anxious.

I stayed up all night worried about our ultrasound and appointment with our specialist today.

Dear God...please please please please give us some hope. Just any good news would be such a blessing.

As usual I have a million questions to ask... I hope we get some answers today.

Praying so hard. I'll update when we find out anything new.

Ultrasound and High Risk Specialist Tomorrow

I literally cannot make myself get out of bed lately. I don't understand why. It's unusual for me because I'm usually a very active person. I honestly think that I'm depressed. Which disappoints me because I thought I was stronger than that. Some days are just harder than others. At our last ultrasound we heard more bad news... I just don't want tomorrow to come.

Under normal circumstances I'd be thrilled to have an ultrasound and see my sweet baby. I just can't bear with the thought of more sadness right now.

I feel lost. Today just hasn't been a good day. I need to find myself again and start enjoying life like I used to. I just feel like everything is drained from me recently and I barely even smile and laugh. Which is weird for me. I usually smile quite a bit. I miss working. I miss being needed and having responsibilities throughout my day. I feel worthless.

All I can do is sit here and pray for good news tomorrow. I need to get out of this funk. I just don't know how. Because I'm not working I'm absolutely BROKE and can't even hang out with my friends. Who all have normal busy lives like I did and work most of the time anyways.

Maybe I'll talk to my doctor tomorrow about it... I'm sure the way I'm feeling is common thing. I just want it to go away. Some days I'm perfectly fine and happy about life.. and then there are days like today. I'd continue my anxiety medicine but it makes me so drowsy. I guess we'll see.

My biggest fears.

 A few random thoughts that have crossed my mind recently. This is to just to get them off my chest.

My biggest fears:

1: The way he will look.

It seems silly. But google SB and tell me that the Internet doesn't portray SB to be a scary defect that turns normal babies into monsters. I often seem to forget that babies with SB act AND look like healthy babies.
Minus the scar and possible minimal leg movement. But generally they're not much different.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I had Noah at home and was scared to look at him. So I put him in a shoe box? Haha don't ask... that's something I'd never really do. But then I realized that scary looking or not, he's still my baby. So I looked at him and he looked just like every other newborn. And I was like "Noah please don't tell your father I put you in a shoe box..he'll kill me." And grabbed a diaper and a blanket and took him to the hospital for his surgery. Like it was no big deal. Then in my dream I started playing hockey and it all went kind of wacky from there....

But my point is Noah WILL have a cyst on his back where his spine didn't finish closing. WILL. It's going to be there. I need to accept it. I'll have to see it. And despite my fears of him looking scary, I know deep down that he's my Noah and I'll accept him even in his scariest times. Even my subconscious mind knows that apparently. Which is good I think.

And on a positive note.. I haven't been around very many newborns. So I'm not used to the "norm" and maybe it won't be such a big shock to me. Especially if I prepare for it mentally. Like I'm trying to. Key word: trying.

2: Bad news after bad news after bad news... etc..

No mother wants to hear bad news about their newborn baby. The difference is I know it's coming and I have to learn to accept it. His lesion MAY be higher on his back than we thought. He MAY be paralyzed as an infant. A common thing with SB newborns is that they have a hard time sucking and feeding. He MAY be in the NICU for a longer time because he'll have to be on a feeding tube. He MAY show signs of brain damage. He MAY need to be cathed as a newborn.

These are things I'm expecting to hear. My new motto is expect the worst and hope for the best. But it doesn't make it any less hard.

3: Catheters

Noah will have to use a catheter at some point in his life. I can accept that. But I'm just praying that he doesn't need one as an infant. Sometimes their bladders get backed up and they need help to drain their pee. During our hospital stay a nurse would teach us how to cath him and I'd be doing it every couple hours until he could release it on his own. It's something newborn babies with SB grow out of. But the thought of worrying about cathing him honestly scares me. Sometimes it's hard to change a wiggly baby's diaper because they're moving around and crying. Imagine instering something into his little pee-pee and not knowing if it hurts him or not. I know I could do it if I had to, but I really hope we don't have to. Changing his diaper would be a blessing.

4: People

Honestly, I'm usually someone who cares a lot what people think. But because of this whole situation I've realized that if you can't accept people for who they are then you don't deserve to be apart of their lives. I'm sure people will talk bad about Noah. I've heard people say how ugly other's people's babies are-when they weren't. And laugh about how fat the Mom got while she was pregnant. And then I've watched them turn around and comment on pictures saying, "What a beautiful baby!" and "For someone who just had a baby you look awesome!" I'm ready for that too. It doesn't bother me anymore what people have to say about me. It's not going to change anything.

But what scares me the most is people being mean to Noah. He's an innocent child and doesn't deserve to be treated like anything less than a healthy little boy. I know how cruel people can be. People make fun of other people in wheelchairs. Or who take special classes or have "weird" interests. I know I can't stick up for him forever and that scares me too. I just want to protect him from all of the bad he'll be around and know in his life. Can't he just stay a baby forever so Mommy can tell him there is no bad in the world? No? I didn't think so... but gosh I wish.

I know that none of these are things that I can control right now and I'll just have to wait and see.. a lot of this whole journey WILL be a "wait and see" process. It's just nice to talk about it and get it out into the open. Whew. Everything will be okay.

Oh my goodness.

June, July, August, September.

Since I'm having Noah via C-Section he'll probably be delivered at 37-38 weeks based on how big he is. That means instead of being an October baby he'll be a September baby. Which means we only have 3-4 months to get ready for him.

That is CRAZY.

All we have for him right now are some cute onesies and tee-shirts.

This is why we were going to have the shower in June. So we'd have time to get all of the stuff we still needed. Now I'm afraid to get anything because someone might want to buy it for the shower. I know what I'd like to get him...

Please oh please oh please can I order this for myself online already?!

Beautiful Stroller and car seat from Target :)

Puppy Themed bedding.. Also at Target Online.

Crib, Glider, Changing Table and Dresser- Target

I'm going crazy over here... I feel so unprepared! Yikes!!!

Steven's First Father's Day

Some people say that a woman becomes a mother whenever she gets pregnant and a man becomes a father whenever he first meets his child.

This may be true for some men... but not Steven. He's been a father from the start. He's had to make the same tough decisions that I have, which has required him to think and act like a father already. He would constantly say.. "We need to do what's best for him.. he's my son."

Words can't even describe the amount of love I feel coming from Steven to Noah already. I couldn't have asked for a better person to be sharing this with. He may seem tough.. but he's really just a big old softy.

I'll never forget the first time we heard Noah's heart beat. I looked over at Steven and he was smiling so big. Almost tearing up. It was such a wonderful feeling to know that he was in awe of this just like I was. During our first ultrasound he held my hand the whole time and squeezed it and smiled when we first saw Noah. He loves taking me shopping for maternity clothes and always wants to help and put in his two-cents. On his day off he bought me a maternity body pillow to help me sleep and suprised me with it when I came home from work. Almost every night he rubs my back and hips because he knows that they hurt throughout the day. While I'm getting ready it's so amazing to look over at him and see him staring at me. I know he loves my growing body and appreciates every milestone. He even tried to lie about seeing my first stretch mark. Haha.

I was thinking about it the other day... and looking back at my old boyfriends I'm not sure many of them would have stayed with me if we were to be having a child with Noah's diagnosis. It really takes a good hearted man to be willing to love a child with a disability no matter what. Steven never saw it as that big of a bump in the road. He saw it as we created Noah and we will love him no matter what.

Throughout everything Steven was one of the only people who could calm me down. When my Mother and I sat and talked and got all worked up about how sad his life would be and everything he'd miss out on.. Steven would text me the perfect thing. He told us to stop being silly women and relax. Noah would experience just as much joy and happiness as any other child. It all depends on how we raise him... and we haven't yet. So why worry? We knew he was right. Steven was right all along.

I've never felt so loved by a man in my life. My grandpa's come in a close second. But Steven really genuinely and unconditionally loves me. I can't wait for Noah to feel all the love Steven is going to show him. Because I already know how amazing it is.

I am so proud to say that Steven is the father of my child and I thank god that he gave me a strong man to stand by my side through all of this.

Babies and puppies.. does it get any cuter?

Noah's theme is officially... puppies!

I hope he doesn't grow up to hate dogs... because he's going to be seeing puppies for a while! We plan on painting his nursery a soft blue and Gwen is going to paint bones and paw prints in tan and brown on the walls. I also love this quote. "First we had each other. Then we had you. Now we have Everything." So cute. Maybe Gwen could paint it in cursive on his wall or something. I've definitely reached the nesting stage in my pregnancy and it's nice to get excited about my Noah again.

Words of Wisdom from SB Mom's that I've found.

"If you ever find yourself in that position of discovering that your child is not going to be who you thought: relax. It's not going to be that bad. You are strong enough, you are amazing enough, you will do just fine. There's no need to panic. Remember that people with disabilities are people. They love, they laugh, they play, they communicate, they live. If you can get over yourself, you will do just fine."

http://thelittlekingsley.blogspot.ca/2012/03/its-not-that-bad.html

"Looking back at that time now, I just smile. Smile because now we have our beautiful son and I wonder what I was so worried about. The second I heard his sweet little cry every single worry that I had just vanished. God has shown me what true love is. He has shown me just how much he loves me , by trusting me with this sweet miracle. A sweet miracle that we named Greyson."

http://www.greysonsstory.blogspot.com/

"Other than the Spina Bifida thing, Charlie is a typical baby and they are treating him so. I find our experience with the hospital and neurosurgeons is a bit different than most I have heard about - they have kept Charlie on his back, had us holding him and feeding him like a typical baby, like the Spina Bifida and surgery is a tiny bump in the road."

http://krousehouse.blogspot.com/2010/05/adventures-of-charlie-day-3.html

A kick or a hand? What am I feeling?!

Because this is my first child I honestly have no clue what I'm feeling when I feel movements. Rolling? A kick? A hand? I'm clueless.

Noah may have temporary paralysis because of the SB. Which is normal. His peices aren't connected just right, but after the surgery whenever they are THAT is when we will know how much feeling and movement he is capable of. On my last ultrasound we saw his legs moving. The ultrasound technician told me not to get my hopes up.. because some movement in his legs might be involuntary due to being in amniotic fluid.. but she's seen a lot of healthy baby's leg movement.. and she said that it seemed voluntary.

I had some bleeding last week and because I'm RH negative I had to go into Labor and Delivery to check my RH level and make sure I'm not producing too much. Which is usually just a worry with my second pregnancy. But we wanted to check just in case. Good news is that everything is fine that has to do with my RH levels. I'll take any good news we can get.

They put a fetal contraction monitor around my belly and Noah decided he didn't like that squishing his tummy space and kicked the living daylight out of it. The nurse had no idea he had SB and told us that we had an active kicking baby!

If Noah already has feeling in his legs, I'd be so greatful. We always catch ourselves saying, "Noah is kicking! Look at that kick! That was a big one" And then realize that it may not be his little feet after all.

But either way he is already one tough little boy. Who is strong as can be.. and even fooled one of the nurses at St. Johns ;) No matter what it is that I'm feeling.. I'm just thankful that I get the oppertunity to feel his cute little movements. It gives him so much personality, it's amazing.

Breaking SB down into heartbreaking levels.

Honestly, I absolutely hate this picture. I'm not sure how well you can see it.. so I'll try to explain the best that I can. When we found out that Noah had Spina Bifida we were told that his wound was in the lumbar region. Which is a good thing. The lower= the better. The best region is the Sacrum (Lower pelvic region) Another ultrasound confirmed that it's in the higher lumbar region. Our pediatric neurosurgeon said that it doesn't matter where in the region.. as long as it's in the lumbar we're safe. Right now we're looking at L1 or L2. Which means he may be able to walk with assistance but will need a wheelchair for long distances and most likely later in life. Worst case scenario would be T12-L1. Which is definitely wheel-chair bound.. no exceptions.

We don't know anything for sure, but I'm trying to wrap my mind around this region in the best way that I can. It's very hard to tell on ultrasound where exactly the lesion is. We won't know that for sure until he is born. One thing for sure is that it's on the back of his kidneys.. which are low.

In the thoracic region (behind the chest) there is a risk of breathing and lung complications, and his is NOT anywhere near his chest. Thank goodness.

Continuing to pray for some good news soon, but in the mean time trying to not worry.

So Thankful for the Support

I just recently posted a link to this blog on my Facebook page and figured it would be a good time to say THANK YOU for all of the support and love we've recieved. It really means a lot. More than anyone knows. I hope one day I can show everyone the same kindness and support they've shown me. Noah is one lucky little boy to have people in his life who already care about him so much. This was sent to us in the mail from a lady my Mother works with. I've never even met her. People can be so kind, and we are so thankful.

Steven's Mini-Me

I just CANNOT get over how much Noah already looks like Steven. It's incredible. I wonder if he'll look like me at all. If not that's okay... because I think Little Steve is super adorable. I'm having one of those nights where I could sit any daydream about Noah forever. And I don't mind. Steven is such an amazing guy, I couldn't ask for a better father for Noah. He already loves him so much. It shows a lot of character for a guy to step up to this kind of challenge.. and thank goodness Steven has it in him.

A Little Inspiration

The Special Mother by Erma Bombeck

Did you ever wonder how mothers of disabled children were chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over the Earth selecting His instruments for propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"This one gets a daughter. The Patron saint will be Cecelia."

"This one gets twins. The Patron saint will be Matthew."

"This one gets a son. The Patron saint...give her Gerard. He's used to profanity."

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles, "Give her a disabled child."

The angel is curious, "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly", smiles God. "Could I give a disabled child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel."

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of self-pity and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today, she has that feeling of self and independence that is so rare and so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps - "Selfishness? Is that a virtue?'

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally, she'll never survive. Yes here is a woman whom I will bess with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider any 'step' ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time, she will be present at a miracle and will know it! I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty and prejudice...and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life, because she is doing my work as surely as if she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid air. God smiles, "A mirror will suffice."

Dear Noah,

I can't promise that you will be just like the other little boys. I can't promise you will always be happy. But I CAN promise that Mommy and Daddy will always love you no matter what. I may not be a very strong woman, and Daddy may not be a very strong man. But together we are as strong as it gets. And we will ALWAYS be strong for you. I promise to protect you from people who will make your life harder but also to let you make your own decisions and learn how to protect yourself. You are our first child. You will always have a very special place in my heart. You are my angel. I will do absolutely anything it takes to keep you healthy and happy. I know the moment I set eyes on you everything will be okay. I don't care if you have a scar on your back, Mommy will kiss and rub your back every single day if that's what it takes to make you feel good. I promise I will never take you for granted. God only gives STRONG special people disabilites and we have no doubt that you will be an amazing little boy. Your heart beat is so strong and you've already made it through so much. Noah you already inspire me more than anyone I've ever met. I promise to always try my hardest to never let you down.

I love you.

-Mommy

Our Decision

Deciding whether or not to keep a disabled child is the hardest decision any parent will ever have to make. Just for the record, I'd like to make this VERY clear... If Noah was a healthy baby with a perfect spine I would NEVER consider an abortion. I'm Pro-Choice but it's never once been an option for myself. Until now. We only wanted to do what was best for our son. I knew that we would have support with either decision, but I just couldn't bare to see my poor baby suffer his whole life. I also couldn't bear with the thought of losing him. He already has a name and so much personality. He gave us a thumbs up on the last ultrasound and was already too ornery to cooperate for his first ultrasound. These are stories we will never forget. He's been apart of our family for 5 months, I could never imagine going into a clinic and ALLOWING some stranger to kill my baby. I'm his Mother and I'm supposed to protect him from all of the cruel things in the world. Someone taking his life being one of them. This may be my first baby but I still have mother instincts and the thought of abortion went against everything that felt right to me.

I'd be lying if I said that the influence of others didn't affect me. Some people in my life supported ending my pregnancy, and others didn't. It hurt me to know that people thought my child would be better off dead. I wanted to scream at them, "I feel him moving all the time. Every single day. He's Steven's little mini-me. He's not disposable. His name is Noah and he deserves a chance just like anyone else's child does." But part of me agreed with them. He's just a fetus, he doesn't know pain. He's never experienced life, who's to say he's going to miss out on anything?

My doctor prescribed me anti-anxiety medication and told me to think things over. The Internet makes Spina Bifida seem like such a scary thing, but I quickly discovered blogs of women who have experienced the same thing we're going through. Some of them aborted their babies and ended up regretting it, and others kept them and have accepted all of the challenges they have been faced with and their children are worth it. I knew we could take care of him, I just wanted to know he'd be happy.

Women's Clinic in Dallas, TX

After many sleepless nights Steven and I finally decided that ending the pregnancy would be the best thing. We made an appointment at a Women's Clinic in Dallas. They would give me special treatment because I would be aborting because of a medical issue instead of just because. Late term abortions are very complicated. The process would last 4 days total and would involve an injection to stop my baby's heart beat and several metal rods being inserted into my cervix to dilate me. They would use forceps and pull him out one piece at a time. As a mother this concept is VERY hard to wrap my mind around. It completely broke my heart. But it seemed like the kindest thing to do for my son. We were going to drive up to Dallas on a Tuesday night, get there Wednesday and the surgical procedure would happen that Saturday. The procedure would hurt and the dilators would hurt as well. It isn't a dangerous procedure and would be over before I knew it, they said. I could tell this decision was hard for Steven but since I was the one carrying the baby and would be caring for him majority of the time Steven supported my choice.

Tuesday rolled around and I woke up crying. Noah was safe in my tummy. Where nobody could harm him. I just wanted to run away and never come back and keep Noah in my tummy where I knew he'd be okay. I had already collected some things for Noah's nursery and sat and held onto them crying.

I've never been more mad at God. Why was he doing this to us? I know that we have both sinned, but if God forgives then why is he punishing us with this choice? Why us? Why MY baby?

Steven packed for me and for the first time in weeks I managed to get dressed for the long devastating car ride ahead. Steven drove me to my Mother's house. She was going to take me to Dallas and Steven would come down Friday after work. I've never been more of a mess in my life. This felt wrong. I couldn't even get out of the truck to go into my Mom's house. This was my LAST chance to change my mind. I cried and Steven did too. I've never been so mad at life. We finally pulled ourselves together and went in.

My Mom seemed distressed, my sister even did too. And it's not always easy to tell what my sister is feeling. It just felt WRONG. This wasn't supposed to be happening. We were all so unhappy. All of Noah's movements and kicks that I had enjoyed so much just a few weeks ago were torturing me. Knowing what was ahead for him was just plain awful.

Our Last Minute Decision

We decided to keep Noah.

I couldn't go through with it. And much to my relief instead of everyone being upset with my indecisiveness, everyone started crying and hugging and laughing and smiling again. This was the right decision. It isn't going to be easy, but Steven and I promised to do whatever it takes to make Noah's life worth it. I couldn't be any happier. We are strong, and we can do this. He was our blessing anyways, now he's our blessing and our special little boy. I have no doubt that he will find much joy in his life and make us all appreciate every milestone he conquers. I love him so much. Steven does too. Everything will be okay.

Overwhelmed by Questions

I had so many questions after we were told about Noah's condition.

Was it my fault? Did I do something to cause this?

The answer is maybe, but maybe not. But for sure not on purpose. The main cause of SB is lack of Folic Acid. Many women who try to conceive begin taking prenatal vitamins as soon as they start trying. I was told I wasn't able to get pregnant, therefor I did not. I wasn't even exactly aware that a lack of folic acid would cause spine problems. Women get pregnant all the time and don't even know it until they are 3 or 4 months along and they have healthy babies. The 28th day of my baby's conception could have been a night we decided to have pizza instead of an actual meal.. and I didn't know. It's very upsetting to think that my actions could have caused this. I thought that I had done everything right to the best of my ability. But the truth is... I did. There was no way for me to know. The best thing I can do if I decide to continue this pregnancy is keep doing what I'm doing. After we found out I was pregnant we did some blood tests to make sure I wasn't lacking any nutrients.. and it came back completely normal. I think if I would have been eating unhealthy the whole time it would have shown up. There is also a chance that is is a completely RANDOM case. It happens and doctors aren't really sure why. Some women take extra folic acid before and during early pregnancy and STILL have spina bifida babies. So who knows.

What would his life be like?

All I could imagine is a little boy sitting on the side lines of a soccer game watching and dreaming of running and playing, but instead being confined to a wheelchair and will never know what it's like. People aren't very accepting of people with disabilites. Would he ever have friends? What about a girlfriend? Would he ever be Married? Have children? What kind of a life is that? Maybe he would have a special talent. Like drawing or something to do with computers. Maybe he would find a girlfriend who also has Spina Bifida and knows what he's been through. The very first thing Noah will ever know is a major spine surgery. What kind of life is that setting him up for? I'm afraid for him.

Would ending my pregnancy be the best thing for us?

By us, I mean Noah, Steven, my family and myself. Will our hearts constantly be broken because of all of the things Noah will miss out on? Without medical technology Noah wouldn't make it. Is it cruel to keep someone alive who wouldn't want that kind of life? I just want to do what is best for my son. Is ending my pregnancy the right thing? Would I be strong enough to go through with it? He would always be in our hearts and I could imagine our sweet angel running around and playing in heaven without his disability. But is it the right thing?

These questions have haunted me ever since we found out. And the saddest part is that I will never for sure know the answer to any of them. Only time will tell, and time isn't something that is on our side.

Noah's Diagnosis

Steven and I woke up much earlier than necessary. We felt and acted like zombies. Barely even speaking. I didn't want to go. I wanted to pretend that everything was okay, and Noah was healthy. Knowing that it wasn't an option we got ready and left. We arrived before any of the doctors or any other patients arrived. We were the only ones there. We sat on the curb and prayed together one last time. The wind was crisp and I remember just closing my eyes and wishing this wasn't all happening. I didn't understand what could have gone wrong. I wasn't mentally prepared for the news we were about to hear. I knew this was also going to be a day that would change our life forever.

I held onto my stomach and cried one last time before going in. I wanted to protect Noah from everything we would find out. I was so sad for my little boy. All we ever asked was for him to be healthy. I've never once taken this pregnancy for granted. I appreciated every single moment. Every milestone. I did everything I was supposed to for this baby. Went on walks, ate healthy, took my vitamins and tried to stay anxiety free. I hadn't gained an excess amount of weight, I wasn't lazy. I tried so hard to give this baby the best possible chance at being healthy.

My faith in God was trembling... but it was all that Steven and I had. Praying that he would hear our cries and answer our prayers was the only hope we had.

Noah was diagnosed with Spina Bifida.

The high risk specialist came into our room where I was already crying and panicing even before hearing the news. She calmed me down and nicely told us that Noah has Spina Bifida. Here are some of the facts we found out:

• Noah may not ever be able to walk independently.
• SB literally means "open spine"
• It happens during the first 28 days of conception.
• The spinal cord doesn't close with the spine. Like an unzipped zipper.
• He has the most severe type of SB called mylomengocele.
• Mylomengocele is when there is a bubble on his back filled with fluid.
• He also has Hydrocephalus. Which means fluid on the brain.
• It's a very common symptom of SB and he will require shunt surgery in his head after he is born.
• The shunt will drain the fluid in his brain down to his stomach like a normal spinal cord would.
• My pregnancy is now considered "high risk" and will require a lot of extra attention.
• Noah would have surgery to fix the incision on his back immediatly after birth and would be born via C-Section.
• He will not be able to ever control his bladder or bowel and will require a catheter maybe even as a baby.
• He CAN live, but he will have complications and surgeries throughout his entire life.
• This defect rarely ever leads to retardation, he may live a normal life.
• THERE IS NO WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE WHAT HE'LL BE CAPABLE OF. They can't give us any FOR SURE answers, it would all be a big wait and see game.
• Ending my pregnancy is an option and if I chose to do so we would have to act on it fast because I'm already so far along.

Talk about over-whelming and heartbreaking. We were devastated and decided the kindest thing we could do for our son would be to end my pregnancy.

The Phone Call That Changed Everything

After the ultrasound we all went out to eat at Steak-N-Sheak. I held Noah's ultrasound pictures the whole time and couldn't wait to call and text people our big news. I barely even paid attention enough to order. The appointment kept replaying in my head. The ultrasound technician was really nice but she seemed worried that I was so worried about something being wrong. She asked if I had any reason to worry.. like something in our family history. I said down syndrome.. but our blood test already confirmed that baby tested negative for down syndrome and spina bifida. She kept saying, "You two are going to make amazing parents. Amazing parents." I would be lieing if I said I wasn't still worried. The doctor took a look at our ultrasound photos and we were supposed to get a phone call if there was anything to be concerned about. Hours passed. We took my friends home and everything started winding down. I assumed everything was okay.

On our way home I received a phone call. I looked down at my phone and saw it was from our clinic. My heart sank. There was no way they would be calling us with good news. I teared up immediately as I answered it. It was our nurse. She said the doctor found abnormalities on our ultrasound and that we need to come in to speak with her as soon as possible. We scheduled to come in at 8 the next morning.

Steven and I were both in tears. We both called into work and went home. This day was supposed to be so wonderful and instead we were laying in bed holding each other not knowing the fate of our sweet little boy.

Many things ran through my head.. what if it's something simple? Like a dark spot on the ultrasound? Or he has too much amniotic fluid? Those things go away and can be fixed. What if he has clubbed feet? Those would improve with casts. What if it's something worse? Something fatal? Will our baby make it? Will we lose him? He seemed fine in the ultrasound.. but to an untrained eye it's hard to tell. Steven tried so hard to keep my hopes up. I was a mess. He was too but tried to hold it together for my sake.

All we ended up doing the rest of the night was searching possible abnormalites that could be found at a 20 week ultrasound.. and praying.

Praying that we'd get a chance to meet this little boy who's been such a big part of our life for 5 months.. and that he would be healthy and happy.

Baby is a BOY!

I knew it! Our sweet little angel is a boy. I was not even disappointed for a second. His little nose looks just like Steven's and from the looks of it he has his adorable big lips too. I loved getting to see our baby wiggle and squirm around. He seemed so much bigger this time. He loves having his little hands by his face and head. He even gave us a big old Thumbs Up! To let us know he's one happy baby!

The ultrasound appointment didn't exactly go very good though. I've always had really bad anxiety. I was so worried that there would be something wrong with the baby. As soon as I laid back on the bed I started having hot flashes and felt like I was going to throw up. The technician noticed I was sweating and freaking out and I dismissed myself to go to the bathroom. I said that I really had to go.. but actually I just sat in the floor of the bathroom trying to catch my breath. I prayed so hard that baby was healthy. That this would be a normal ultrasound and everything would be okay. I'm not sure why I freaked out like that.. but I finally pulled myself together and went back to the room to continue the ultrasound.

20 Weeks- Finding out the Sex of Our Baby

This was the week I felt like I had been waiting an eternity for. The week we would find out what our baby was. Would we be having a sweet little girl or boy? I told Steven, "I don't even care anymore.. I have no preference. As long as little one is healthy and grew gender parts along with all of it's other parts.. I'll be happy."

I decided at 19 weeks that we were having a little boy. Everyone around me was having girls and I knew that God would want to give us a onry little boy. Steven was so hyper and crazy as a child.. I knew I'd end up with a little him. And I decided I was more than okay with that. I love Steven more than anything in the world. He still seems like a little boy to me sometimes and I would love nothing more than to have a little mini-Steve for myself.

Our Appointment:

Okay.... I admitt it. I got a little carried away with inviting people to our appointment. I invited six... which was four too many..woops. My two best friends were there, my grandmother, mother, sister, and of coarse Steven.

I knew that only two people were allowed in the room during the ultrasound.. but I really wanted to share this experience with all of the people that meant the most to me. I'm sure sitting in the waiting room at 8 o clock in the morning wasn't exactly the most thrilling experience for them.. but I was on cloud 9.

In the truck I remember saying to Steven.. "This is one of the moments that changes our life forever. From today on out we'll know if we're going to be parents to our first son or daughter. Are you ready?"

He smiled and we all went in. I was probably skipping and waddling and jumping with excitement all the way in. I was so sure today would be one of the most amazing days of my life. I missed my baby so much and couldn't wait to see how he or she had grown. We were thrilled. 

Feeling Baby Move

                                    18 Weeks

This was the week that I felt Baby move for the very first time. I remember sitting at work and feeling something strange. Even though I can't really describe the feeling, I knew immediately that it was the baby moving. During previous weeks I could have swore I felt movement.. but wasn't sure. There was no doubt about this one. People are right when they say that there is really nothing like it. I was so convinced that I'd never have the opportunity to feel a baby move inside me. Some days up to this point I felt like I was just pretending to be pregnant. It didn't really feel real to me quite yet. This was such a beautiful moment that I'll never forget. It felt so natural to me, yet surreal. It was a sweet little reminder that my angel is always with me.  

My Pregnancy (months 3-5)

As the days went by my stomach got bigger and my patience grew smaller. I couldn't wait to feel baby move for the first time and find out the sex at our 20 week appointment. I was so full of excitement the baby became all I could think about. I would sit at work during nap time and daydream about little chunky hands and feet. Kissing soft sweet baby cheeks. Big eyes looking up at me. Seeing a little smile for the first time. I wondered if we were having a little boy or girl. If it would have my eyes and Steven's lips and button nose. I wondered what my birth story would be like.. and if it would be complicated at all. Wondered if my baby would be a happy baby or a fussy one. If it would have thick dark brown hair like Steven or thick blonde hair like I had when I was born. I started searching baby names and nursery themes. I was a woman obsessed!. I felt like I was in a waiting period of my pregnancy.. where nothing was for sure. I just had to sit and wait and find out. This was the longest part of my pregnancy thus far. But not knowing was also one of the best parts. Even though I wasn't aware of it yet. 


17 Weeks

Baby Names:
We decided on baby names during this point of my pregnancy. I had always dreamed of us having a little girl someday. So picking out a girl name was easy. I wanted a name that was sweet and classy. Because my name is Genevieve.. I wanted my little girl to have an old classic name as well. I like that my name can be shortened to Genna. So the fact that her name could be shortened too was important.

First Name: Emmaline
Emma for short.
Middle Name: Rose
Steven used to always bring me roses when we were dating. I wanted a name that meant a lot to us.

We struggled with a boy name. Simply because I felt like nothing sounded like a little boy that we would have. I liked the name Finnegan. There was a sweet little boy at Preschool who was named Finnegan and went by Finn. Which met all of my qualifications with a name. But Steven hated it. Steven's name means Strength. And I searched names that also meant strength. We finally decided on one.

First Name: Noah
It can't be shortened to anything.. but I could picture a sweet little boy being in our family named Noah. So it stuck. Plus it means Strength like Steven.
Middle Name: Charles
My grandfather that passed away on my Birthday was such an important man in my life and Steven agreed that in honor of him we should make his middle name Charles after my grandpa. Who was a strong, amazing man.

Even though I thought that I would have preferred a little girl to dress up, I never ever ever prayed for one or the other. It didn't matter that much to me. I envisioned a little girl who loved dresses and shoes like her Mother or a little boy who loved to fish and be outside like his Daddy. I was sure I'd be content either way. Every night I prayed for my baby to be healthy and happy. That's all I ever asked for.



My Pregnancy (months 1-3)

Everything progressed as usual. I went to Florida with my Best Friend to visit one of our friends from high school who was recently in a bad car accident. It was a lot of fun but it happened to be around the time that my Morning Sickness decided to kick in. Being in Florida while having morning sickness is something I wouldn't recommend. I felt horrible. And I felt even worse that I was probably such a downer the whole time because I was sick. We had planned the trip before I knew I was pregnant so I didn't want to back out. Overall it was worth it. It's alway nice to spend time with friends and experience a new place.

In Florida- 12 Weeks

Our First Ultrasound
Once I got back from Florida we had our very first ultrasound. The clinic we went through doesn't usually offer 13 week ultrasounds, but since I had an Uncle with Down Syndrome they went ahead and did an ultrasound to check for abnormalities or any warning signs of any type of defect.
Baby had to lay in the perfect position for the technician to be able to see the curve of the neck to check for abnormalities. With our luck.. baby decided it didn't want to cooperate and the technician wasn't able to get a good enough picture for the doctor.

But there were no warning signs, baby's heart and other organs all looked good. Baby seemed perfect and healthy. Up to this point I really didn't feel pregnant. My tummy was firm.. but not much bigger. I couldn't feel baby move yet, and most of the time forgot that there was anything different going on. I continued to work and eat healthy and counted down the days until we could hear baby's heartbeat again and see it's sweet little face. It was love at fist sight for both Steven and I. We couldn't wait to meet this precious little miracle in October.