Mother's Day is so Bittersweet

I woke up this morning to the sound of my baby whimpering and laughing through his monitor. The sun shining through my blinds and Toby curled up by my feet. I walked into his nursery and paused for a second, looking down at him. Laying there playing with his teddy bear so happily. I smiled and said good-morning as he slowly grinned back and giggled. Usually waking up at 6:30 isn't a very desirable thing, however today was different. Today marks a milestone. This day last year I celebrated my first Mother's Day with a baby in my tummy.

We didn't know the sex or diagnosis. As far as I knew I was having a healthy little baby. I celebrated. I was happy and innocent minded. I didn't know the world I live in now. A world that knew there were disabilities out there, but never experienced them being so close. Looking back I feel like I was just a silly girl who wanted to be a Mommy. Now I've experienced what it's like to be a special needs Mother. A woman who knows pain and suffering, yet still is able to find joy and happiness in small things.

So why is Mother's Day so bittersweet to me you may be asking?

 

A few days after Mother's Day last year we found out Noah has Spina Bifida. I felt absolutely helpless. That innocent, carefree girl was gone. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life. Endless pain. Torturous even. To give a sweet 19 year old pregnant girl a diagnosis that would change her forever. I cried and cried. Physical tears and even out to God. Asking him the reason behind this? This pain and agony. Why us? Why Noah? I remember almost too vividly the appointments. The heartache. The saddness. But one of the biggest memories I look back on is me sitting in the floor of our bedroom surrounded by all of Noah's things. One of his newborn diapers I bought, toys, clothes, wall decorations, and my Mother's Day card my family gave me.

My biggest thought was, why would God allow me to have such a perfect Mother's Day and then throw something like this at me?

It seemed like some kind of sick joke the world was playing on me.

But now I can sit and say, no. It was so whenever I woke up this morning I would remember to appreciate everything we've gone through. I got my beautiful, happy baby I always wanted. He feels unconditional love and brings so much joy to me. That's why today is wonderful and a little bit sad at the same time. Bittersweet. Yet absolutely amazing. Happy Mother's Day everyone.